When I left my hometown of Benicia California a lot changed for me. First of all I was only 19 and moved to my first apartment on the Oakland Berkeley border. I realized that I would have to work a lot to pay for my tiny 1100 dollar a month apartment and that is what I did. I became a proletariat. My coworkers were people from Mexico, Brazil and El Salvador. We all were scraping a living at our crappy job and I don't even want to go into what it was. It was beyond humiliating. This being said my previous care free artistic lifestyle changed. I was still going to school but only part time because I had to pay so many bills. I realized that moving into an apartment meant that I would no longer be able to play music like I used at my parent's or friend's houses like when I was younger.
I stopped playing music. I played in a few bands but to be honest I never really enjoyed playing music like I did when I was younger. People knew that I could play the drums and I would be invited to play in bands but I never really enjoyed it. There were concerts to play and beer to drink but I left expression behind. I started making electronic music by myself and started to really enjoy that. I pushed it really far and got quite good at sequencing, mixing and even would be paid to master tracks for people.
Now I am far away from California living in Japan in the middle of no where in a town that is the very definition of proletariat. There is no appreciation for art here and most people have a very simple existence. The amount of people here that I could do art with in any form is close to none. So even though I have the ability to play music and paint and do many other artistic things I just stopped. I feel like I am a complete creative rut.
I have taken up photography but I feel like with the amount of effort I put into it, I don't get much in return. Just like any other of my art I don't want to be like other people, and I want to take my own path in terms of how I create. I like what I am doing but like I said I feel like all I do is take a bunch of photos, process the film, spend hours scanning and then wind up with people liking my photos on instagram and a few people who will like my photos of flickr. I like what I do but I put lots of effort into it. I don't know whether or not I am wasting my time.
That is really what I wanted to talk about, is my change of frame of mind. Before I would never question whether or not I was wasting my time while I was doing art. I did it because I loved it. Now I feel like I have to think about how I spend my time and whether or not anyone appreciates what I do and although I have some people who like what I do on the internet, I am just some weird foreign guy in my town who walks around with old cameras taking photos of "nothing".
I hope that one day I can get back to where I used to be and just do things because they are fun or because I want to express myself.